When davina is away, this blog becomes all mine.
And I really need the space to just air..... air so many thoughts and troubles.

Today, started the day pretty slow, unsure what to do. Did up a photo appendix, before a meeting ensued.
During the meeting, mind started to wander, extremely distracted. Ended up, I think I couldn't really catch what my boss and colleague were talking about. There's no reason why I was distracted, and I really couldn't fathom why.

But anyway, basically, I couldn't understand what they were saying! In some ways, in definitely made sense. Just that to me, I really couldn't understand why they had to raise this question, or bring up that topic. It was just straightforward to me, and to me, just do what should be done. I find myself struggling, for the particular reason, that I prefer to just do, and not contemplate so much. If I spent my time doing, the total amt of work that would result would be so much greater and more complete than contemplating so much. Contemplation is okay, but communication slows down things too drastically.

This is a far cry from what I used to be during exams in NUS. I used to contemplate about everything, and end up writing nothing, cos I was never convinced that my answer was complete enough. Sigh... so having adapted to uni, I have to readapt again. I believe I can, its just frustrating having to do it so quickly.

Started getting frustrated at myself, and things started to "whirl". Either my education was useless, or work is not what its meant to be. Just so happen, came across an ex-classmate's linkedin profile. Have seen this guy/girl work before. And not to be mean, but just don't understand why someone would employ them. Think its all about credentials to me. Not exactly credentials, but what you make your credentials sound like. Its a real farce.

Well, but fair and square I guess. He got the job. The proud side of me would say, they have a flawed interview system. The humble side of me would probably say, I got a flawed sense of self. Which brought me to another question. Why some people value me so highly, and some not?

Over time, they say, things become clear. And maybe that is why, just that half the time, we don't really know the other person. During interviews, its even worse.... So maybe they don't know me well enough, or maybe I don't express who I am enough. Yes, its all about fluctuating probability.

But, nonetheless, that brought me to yet another question. Who do I really know? Sigh, and that stumped me and brought me into depression. Somewhere inside me, I wish I had those few best friends I could do everything with, share everything with, and trust everything with. Doesn't help that one of them is away in Bhutan right now.

I know I don't get along with everyone. Sometimes, its simply about values. Other times, probably pride. Yet, at other times, its probably about "just don't like his/her face". Maybe, at times, its about jealousy. And the rest of the time, its probably just not being proactive enough. But, then again, sometimes people don't want to get along with you.

For me, I think I have an underlying motive. That I am extremely sentimental. And I don't like change. The perfect scenario would be me being able to retain all my friends from primary and secondary school. The people I meet nowadays... Not enough space for one more friend. At least, not enough space for what I would define as true friendship.

I don't deny it might be exactly the same for me, which makes it so tough. Maybe, its just an asian thing.

So, I wish I could be free. Free like a bird, free to do whatever I wanted and when I wanted to. Uninhibited by anything, living life with a ruthless fancy, confidence and choice in what I would just so automatically do. Think I was a bit like that during NS. And I was happy then. But, it didn't exactly turn out as gd as I would have wished it did. But, that feeling of liberation and happiness was undoubted. I really felt free. Free of fears, Free of inhibitions, Free of people.

How times change. And I see that in others that I envy. I wouldn't say its the best thing to be. But when I see it and see some of them succeed at it, I wonder. Could I and Should I be like that? But yet, I see all the flaws in being that way, and it humbles me. And I'm not sure what is right or wrong, unsure what should be done, what I should be like.

Life is complicated. I wish and look fwd to meeting up with dave. He's awesome, and well, you know, he really doesn't need me as a friend cos he has so many.

I'm an introvert. 51% of me anyway. I'm like a fluctuating monster. One minute, I'm extraverted, one minute introverted. One minute happy, the next sad, and the next angry. I'm definitely satsified that I get to experience so much in my life, but its draining the life out of me.

I wish I were logical, but that I'm definitely not. I train myself to be, but it never always happens enough. Feel like a wreck sometimes. I spent 80% of my energies just focusing to keep all emotions in check. 20% on my work. But how I wish, that it was the other way.

Battling my emotions has been the bane of my life. Heaven must be wonderful in that way for me. That I will just be happy. And then, 80% of me and my worries just fly out the window. I am definitely looking forward.

Maybe I should preach. These emotions do something good in the sense that it brings out creativity from within me. It provides me the reliance on God, that a preacher so needs. And somewhere along the lines, God unlocked a gift, that helps me to present well, with sufficient charisma; derived from Him. Just so wish I knew what was meant to be.

I'm okay being poor. I just need a purpose.
Even if I were rich, I might be happy.
But, please God, show me what is meant to be.