my heart, black and rotten

sigh..

time and time again, i look upon myself and sigh deeply.

My heart is rotten...

I don't know what God sees in me...to create a soul that emits a stale stench...

I really dislike myself more and more each day...

i tell myself to change, to stop comparing...yet i simply can't shake it off myself...seems like God put it in me so deeply, it's takes a lot of pain, tears, courage, faith, to take it out....

i know it's a test from God...

but i really am tired, tired of fighting, tired to change, tired to do anything...

really feel like giving up on myself... and just be the rotten me and decompose...

i sigh, i cry, i question....

it hurts...truly hurts...

i just feel like drowning...and the longer i take to change, the more sad my darling gets each time....the more he feels i don't love him...

sigh, i feel like running...

running, running, running....
drowning, drowning, drowning....

i don't deserve anybody's love...

sigh.

just let me rant and don't ask any qns for the time being...