:(

i've been really emotional these days...

sch's been so busy, and i'm really tired and exhausted meeting datelines all the time, and trying to put on that facade of mine. Sigh, i haven't really been happy in chem eng all these while, and these days, i'm starting to feel really lonely. It's as though no one would even notice or care if i'm dead or alive in this highly competitive course. It makes me really sad, thinking how i'm gonna struggle through the next 2 years. People says uni is the best part of your life, yet i don't feel this way..of course, the only thing that makes me really happy is that i met my soulmate here, and my lovely disciples. I'm not trying to be greedy or uncontented, but it's been so trying for me here. Since the start of this semester, i've lost a friend...and now i felt i lost another. Though i knew right from the start, that there's a high chace of possibility losing somemore friends cos i chose to love her from a distance... I feel being perceived as the 'bad person' all the time, no one really understands how i've been through the last 4 years of my life... And because i made that move and choice to leave her, i feel labelled as a 'troublemaker' when people failed to realise how difficult it was on my part to make that step...how much fear there was in me, how much tears i shed over the past years..

I don't know why God put me in such a mess...(i'm not blaming Him), in fact, i think i put myself in such a mess.... The fear between me and her is still there, why haven't i overcome it? It's been months, and i've been trying to pray for her and love her from a distance....but why do i still fear? Sometimes, it's really not easy being different as a christian..when everyone is pursuing a common goal/direction, yet i'm seeking for a greater purpose to glorify Him. When you're 1 of the million, trying to counteract the gushing currents, you naturally feel tired.

despite the large amount of workload, i've chosen to honour and respect my body more. When i feel tired, i just go to bed....and i'm thankful i have almost 8 hours of sleep these days. My body's screwed up somehow... i don't want it to suffer cos of work. I don't wanna live like a machinee. Perhaps doing lesser work may cause my grades to suffer...but perhaps in the long run, it's all worth it.

hopefully, one day, i can really feel happy being in chem eng. Or perhaps, i just don't belong in this place. God, show me your way... help me not to be involved in all these worldly competition. Renew me, Lord...