A letter to Him

Father God,

Time and time again i fail you. And everytime i've gone too far from you and finally realised that it's time to turn back, i feel so ashamed of myself. Ironically, i know You have been speaking to me through the book of Judges, yet i'm still behaving like Israel even though i know that's not the way. I feel so stupid, following the tides of this world...trying to perform my best, trying to do well....for what?
Even though you've sent people like dear to keep reminding me not to chase grades and perfection of this world..yet i stubbornly chose to think that since i've worked so hard thus far, i should put in my best for the last lap of the exams and do well. But how many times have i ended up in this situation, and yet i've not learnt from my past mistakes.
I remember in semester 2, when i was so carried away with exams, that i broke down the night before several papers. I cried so hard cos nth was getting into my head and i felt so lousy for not knowing anything. It was so bad that you sent me headache, telling me to stop studying..and i was so afraid of doing badly that i kept pushing myself. The next day, my eyes were all swollen and i felt so drained. I did the worst that sem, and after much self-reflection, i knew where the problem was..it was not that i didnt work hard enoguh, but because i depended on my own human strength and not Yours.
1 year later, and now i'm about to fall into the same pit again.. But i remember Your grace and Your love..and i don't want to disappoint you again Father. Just a moment ago, my mom scolded me for not wanting to go for my grandma's bday lunch which lies 1 day before my exam on the 5th. I felt she didn't understand the stress i was going through and the importance of the last day of revision. Furthermore, it was my weakest subject and my most fearful one! I felt really upset and i teared. But now that i've cooled down, i realised i haven't been very nice in the way i've been speaking to her as well. How can i ever let studies take over the place of my family...and being a christian, how can i behave this way and yet claim that i want to spread Your love to my mom? You taught us all how to love, and yet, i failed to show love to the one that gave birth to me. You told us not to run after the prize of this world, and i always pray that i'ld study for Your glory...but i know deep down, i wasn't focused on the heavenward prize...but my own worldly prize. I was afraid to do badly...afraid to get into 2nd class lower.
Father, i feel so foolish when time and time again, i refused to listen to Your voice..and yet i always encourage my disciples and dear to do so. What hypocrite i am. I've been asking my disciples to spend time with You daily, yet, i don't even do daily quiet time with You these days. You must be really disappointed with me...and for that, I'm sorry.
Father, teach me how to turn back to You.. give me the strength to forsake wordly pleasures. Give me the faith to depend on You. Teach me how to study for Your glory....teach me what it means to study as an act of worship unto You. Father, I pray that you help me too, in my relationship with my mom...that she'll be able to see Christ through me and accept Your love.
It's time I turn back to You.... let me not fall into the same old cycle again. Sustain me Lord...

In Jesus's name I pray,
your daughter