Jealousy - an addiction

Sorry, i think i tend to blog more when i am home all day long since i'm so easily distracted, and random thoughts just keep whizzing by...plus studying is undeniably boring. agree?

Anyway, sigh, why is it so hard to let go of our sins? Knowing that they're bad in nature, why then, do we still let it stick to us? It's sad you know, when people around you start getting hurt because you just can't let go of your sin(s). It's just like an addiction, be it computer games, idolizing celebrity fans etc. Maybe pornography would be an apt analogy. The temptation is so great, sometimes it feels as though that particular sin is part of you, part of our character, and therefore we try to rationalize and claim that it's impossible to change because "that's just me".

I'm not afraid of hiding my sin actually - it's just plain jealousy. Funnily (or maybe not so funny), i always feel as though jealousy comes naturally for me. Before it gets into my head that i shouldn't be jealous, i have already felt jealous! It's like crying is just so natural when you're sad, or laughing when you find it humourous. Jealousy just feels like an emotion to me! Well, as honest as i can be, i started realising that bad side of me ever since i was really young. I don't think anybody knows this, not even my other half. The first time i can ever remember getting jealous was with my cousin who used to stayover at my house, just to play. I started feeling jealous when i had this impression that my mum is showing her more attention than me. And so, i tried to get her attention by crying and crying, all curled up in my bed. But, to my disappointment, she just put my cousin to bed, tried to ask me what's wrong and i didn't reply, and switched off the lights. That was it! So i cried even harder cos i was really sad, and the night just went by.

Thinking back, i think my jealousy was probably induced when i was in kindergarten. There was this tall girl in my class that constantly likes to bully me. I remember she took away all my coloured pencils and just gave me the black, dark blues to colour my paper butterfly while she had all the nice pinky, red colours to herself. hmph. HAHA. But, a simple incident like this could actually be really traumatizing and torturous to me. I hated kindergarten life because of her, truthfully. I actually felt victimized, not just from one incident of course...it was a daily affair but only this one incident remained in my memory. And life just went on...going through my primary school days with friends laughing at me for being lousy at captain's ball and in my studies, and to secondary school where friends became jealous of my grades, and therefore the competition induced even more jealousy. This sin practically grew up with me, but i was totally ignorant about it until i came to know Christ, and realised that jealousy was actually a sin. Sigh, but to totally renounce it and let it go is so hard, because it feels as though it's just part of me. Many people just do not understand that, and plainly think i'm being silly for getting jealous over the nitty-gritties.

Just like all the other sins, jealousy can kill. It can really consume our thoughts, and control our actions. The irony is, I already know how it can be removed off me...and that's through Christ. I need to submit it to Him, and truly let the Holy Spirit take over. As simple as that, yet it's so difficult. It's as tough as quitting smoking. And as for why it's so difficult, i just can't logically reason out :(

As depressing and serious as it may sound, i have been an addict to jealousy. But this must end. And the strength to overcome it needs to come from God, and of course, a persevering and determined me. SIGH.