Dying to self before you die

I get myself slightly nervous everytime someone asks me to share my testimony. Although I've been a Christian for approximately 8 years now, I sometimes still wonder why is it difficult for me to share my love for Christ after all that He has done for me? Do I not recognise His purpose in my life?

As a matter of fact, my becoming of a Christian did not happen over a particular instant / occassion / sunday service but rather, it was over a long blurry process. But it's an absolute truth that I stepped into church myself and this, I know, is not so common. Every time I share my testimony, I would mention that it was this particular secondary geography teacher of mine who made me decide to step into a church. It is not completely false because during a period when I felt rejected back then, this teacher of mine was there to comfort and to tell me how Jesus was rejected and spat at; but still love God's people all the same. "What great love!", I often thought to myself. But not many people knew how bad a person I was back then, perhaps other than the ones I have hurt. I was a very competitive individual back in secondary school, often using people as a benchmark for my personal motivation to achieve top grades. I did achieve wonderful academic grades but, at a cost. My competitiveness was subtle and silent, but it made people around me and including myself, very jealous and manipulative. Despite my ugly heart, God still provided me with fantastic results, but it definitely did not make me feel as happy as I ought to be.

Now, as I look back, I believe it was my aimless pursuit that led me to feel empty and it was this emptiness that drew me to God. Perhaps on the surface, I wanted to know this God so that I could ask for His continued blessings to obtain good grades but now, I've come to realise that it must have been this surge of underlying emptiness that led me to Him.

Dear was just telling me several days ago how blessed I really am because God seems to always answer my prayers. It was that conversation that made me re-think of my testimony and made me once again, be aware of how God has truly worked in my life - to every finest detail. Time and time again, I have been oblivious of His work in my life. How could I ever be so blinded? Yet, this wonderful almighty God still loves me so much that He never once gave up on me. It must have been so painful everytime I fail to realise how much He has done for me. Please forgive me, Lord.

The world will continue to revolve and spin. Days will continue to pass by. Cars will continue to zoom past. People will continue to come and go. But, we should really take a step back from our selfish goals and pleasures for they are nothing, but an aimless pursuit that will only leave you feeling empty at the end of the day. "To live is Christ and to die is gain" - Truly, we need to die to self and only then, can God come to fill our empty hearts and quench our thirst. A beautiful poem, titled "No Chance", says it so aptly,

Our time is but a season,
Like a simple wisp of breath.
So look quick to find life’s reason
’Fore your eyes are closed in death.
Seek the Lord of earth and sky,
With the faithful take your stance.
Die to self before you die,
After death you’ll have no chance.

Knowing Jesus has been the most beautiful encounter I can ever have in this life of mine. It has been a tough road, and may perhaps be tougher than those who have not come to know Him. But, this personal relationship with our Creator is priceless and leaves no regrets. Though He did not promise us a life of wordly success and warned us to expect much persecution ahead, it is definitely still worth the sacrifice. There is really no greater thing than the love of Christ.

Now, I will no longer shudder at the thought of having to share my testimony to anyone. I will go forth with full confidence, knowing that I have Christ in me.