Of winding turns and cross roads...

I haven't felt like this for some time. Feelings of depression and desperation are slowly suffocating me, and it is getting worse and worse each day. I really feel lost, confused and exasperated with myself right now. I am tired, having increasing difficulty to get to bed, and feel listless and moodless at work. It's terrible, and I really need some headlight from God.

While walking home from the MRT after work today, I had a talk with God. I really had to. I am desperate to hear from Him but I just find it so hard to silence myself. I have absolutely no clue where I am heading in my life. There are certain things that I think I would like and want to have in life, but it's really so hard to give up certain things and take the courage to go for it. And at the end of the day, I find myself going back to the same question, "What do I actually want to do with my life?". I kept repeating and emphasizing to God that I want everything to go according to His way..it doesn't matter if it's not going to be what I like. But, I want to know what His plans for me is. I know I am being demanding, but I really hate feeling lost and directionless. And slowly, I feel like I'm changing into being someone that I don't want to be. The ugly thoughts in my mind, the ugly feelings that evoke in me...it's terrible and I know it's from Satan. I have to get out of this and be who I want to be, someone that will shine God's love wherever I go. I am upset not just because I feel that life is suffocating at the present moment, but also because I am starting to hate myself.

God, show me some light, will you? If it's supposed to be another tunnel for me, please grant me strength and comfort.