The Lord is my strength

Today was a really stretching day for me. Emotionally, Physcially, Spritually, Mentally....i was totally overwhelmed.

Well, to begin with, i wasn't feeling that well today. I guessed in all honesty, i was feeling pretty uptight since last night...been having some difficulty in breathing and a little heart palpitation. Adding on to that, i had to go through injections today for mission trip vaccination. 2nd round. They were quite painful, but thankfully not as sore as the 1st round.

In the evening, there was commissioning dinner for all Gen 12ii trippers, going for mission trips. There was also SOLEAD graduation...and during the entire event, i was really in a whirl. And i wanna share my thoughts and struggles with anyone reading this...and i'm writing this in all honesty.

During the praise and worship session, i couldn't really sing. The music was too loud for me...all the drums and all...it was disturbing. I had to close my eyes and i talked to God. Or rather, i was whining to God.

I told God..."God, i'm really tired...really really tired of this world, of all these voices messing my emotions and my faith. Lord, can't you just remove one or two struggles to make me feel better? Lord, don't u see i'm struggling? I'm so tired! Father, are you listening to me?! Can you speak to me? Are you there? Can't you be more distinct? I'm tired Lord!!!"

I just kept whining....really, although on the surface, i may still appear bubbly like a little chipmunk hopping around, laughing, cracking jokes, smiling....but deep down in my heart, i'm struggling. Really badly. I have so many struggles accumulating, one after another....and i can't take it anymore. I'm tired.

1. Since primary school, i always have this problem of competitiveness and always comparing myself to others. It's ashamed to list down all my struggles but i've got to let go of self-pride. I really need prayers....as much courage it takes to write all my inadequacies and weaknesses, pls pls keep me in prayer. =) Anyway, i've always been struggling with this issue until today. It sometimes got me selfish, got me jealous, and most of the time, got me really stressed. I get carried away with studies too, to the point that i depend everything about my studies on myself and not on God. I literally break down at times and i just felt lost. I put away my quiet time coz i was afraid there's not enough time to study...i really put God aside. How ashamed i am.

2. Being a SM (Spiritual Multiplier) in crusade. I've been challenged to be a SM. For the past 2 months, i've been putting it off my head but now, i've got to make a decision. This wed, i'll be having a SM interview..personally, i've got lots of fears. Just yesterday, i felt a really really strong opposing feeling to me being a SM. My brain was filled with thoughts of inadequacy, lack of courage to lead a group, unwillingness to commit, fears of getting stressed as a result of insufficient time to study etc. It was really bad. However, God is gracious...my team leader in this mission trip shared with me how God has revealed faithful Himself during his period of being a SL and i was quite touched. I've decided to just go for the interview and whether i'm ready to be one or not, i'll leave to Him and whatever the result, i'll trust God to lead and guide me.

3. Relationships. First, relationship with friends. I know ever since i'm attached, friends begin to feel more distant from me. They probably feel i've deserted them for love, that i'm 'zong se qing you'. But no..my bf knows exactly how much i wanna keep my friendships. But it's not easy with so many things crashing on me now...and however much i want to spend time with my friends, there isn't enough time for me right now coz i myself am struggling with so many issues and i need to spend time with my bf too coz i'm committed myself to him. I need to sort a lot of things out in my life right now. But i just wanna say to all my friends that i love you all, and i always and will forever treasure our friendships & sorry if i've made any of you felt that i'm 'zong se qing you'. Secondly, relationship with my family. Perhaps some of you might not know that my parents are not really keen on me having a relationship now. I've told them about my darling but they feel we're too young and immature right now. But it's difficult knowing that i've already committed myself to him and i really love him so and i know that he is the one for me. We've been praying and praying...and God is slowly working in my parents...my mum seems to be opening up a bit more. However, it is still difficult coz i feel like i'm doing smth behind their backs whenever i go out with my dear. I know i need to honour my parents. Furthermore, my mum isn't a christian and my dad's faith is not that steady as yet. Thirdly, relationship with my dear. We're steady and i'm glad we're walking together on this road with God. =) Our relationshp is not superficial and we have very good communication, being open to each other and really talking to each other about anything and everything and having really mature and deep conversation topics. But we also have our struggles to face...sometimes, we have to learn how to be more sensitive to each other, learn to resist temptations, learn to be there for each other...it's not just a lovey dovey relationship, it's not as simple as it is. It's far more than what it seems on the surface. =) But we know God is with us and i relaly truly thank God for my dearest.

4. Critical mind developing. I do not know the reason why but recently, i've been having very critical thoughts and it's very clear that it's not from God...it's from the evil one. These thoughts have been bombarding me time and time again...i slowly subconsciously begin to judge people and when i realised that i shouldn't do that, i quickly threw if off my head...the devil is implanting seeds in my head and it's really tiring having to resist it time and time again.

5. Support raising...it's stagnant for me now. I know it's not about the money and i know that God will provide..and my dear is doing it with me. So i'm not that worried...but i'm still feel burdened coz i just wanna do more for God and see ppl stretch their faith and support.

6. Prayer i/c. You know, initially i chose being the prayer i/c...partly coz i hope to grow and also partly coz i think it's quite slack..just pray wad. no need to plan and do so much stuffs. HA! When i went for crusade's BOOT camp, it was then i realised...it's not the team leader that is the most impt, but rather the most impt role the prayer i/c. For if the entire team do not pray and depend on God, this mission will never succeed no matter how much u do over there in Cambodia. I was overwhelmed...And let me share with you all this spiritual warfare my team is going through right now. Our mission team is unique in the sense that it doesn't just consist of christians...there're non-christians going as well. We started off with manpower about 20...and now it's down to 13. All 7 who left are non christians. They left not because they knew it was a christian team, but they left for many other reasons like parents don't support, not that interested anymore, got last minute things to attend to which result in date clashes etc etc. We're left with 1 non christian in our team...And when i heard about the news that one more left our team today, i was okay with it...it was only then when the team leader mentioned that 'it's a clear indication that we're in a spirtual warfare now' that makes me come to my senses. What have i been doing as a prayer i/c? I myself haven't been praying that faithfully, haven't been doing consistent quiet time....! what in the world am i doing? And now my team is in this situation...why why why?

So as you can see...my heart have been filled with lots of anxieties, worries, stresses, struggles...and as i whined to God today, i heard a still voice. At that time, i was still telling God..."God! is that you? or is that my own voice trying to comfort myself that you're there? Am i making this whole voice thing out?" But i knew, and i knew deep in my heart, it was Him....i felt at peace..this was what i heard,

"My child, I am with you. Do not be afraid, I'll give you strength. I know the struggles you're going through, but I'll pull you through. Child, i love you."

My eyes were watery...and even when i shared this with darling on the way back, i teared too.

I know this is going to be a tough road for me, but i know deep down that God will give me strength. Even though there's only 1 non christian left, i still thank God...and i told God, "Let your will be done." I know God will give me the strength to pull through, no matter how much pain it takes...and i know that all i need is to trust Him and everything will be alright. We'll surely win the battle when God is on our side...but let us not put our guards down to the evil one. Be always wary and vigilant.

Friends, i ask for your prayers for our mission team and for God to guide me through my struggles...God hears prayers..He really does hear our cries. He's a loving and gracious God. The beginning and the end. Alpha and Omega.

Thank You Father.