burdened

Just got back from cell group today, and uncle boon tiong's sharing hit me real hard because one of his points really connected to me, and i felt terribly burdened.

I told dear that i'm feeling so very burdened to the extent i just broke down in front of him. There is nothing that i don't share with my dear and everything personal not personal, we would be open with each other. In front of him, i'm my true self; without any facade. Just like all of us with God.

Even though not everyone would be able to connect with me in this post, I would still like to share my burden and perhaps, many might have their own positive or negative opinions, but afterall, this blog's main purpose is to build a household of faith to many through our testimony as a couple.

From young, I've been a very easy pushover. Not that i don't know how, but i simply don't have the guts to stand up for myself. I can't get myself to say NO. I can't myself to reject because i don't want people to think badly of me. I don't want people to be affected because of me. Hence, i have been very easily taken advantage of. Even if someone is taking advantage of me and wants to copy my entire assignment, i don't know how to reject and say "No, i can't lend you". But deep inside, i'll feel awful. And many times, i would tell myself that God loves me and i should love others too; even if they're mean and unfriendly.

Thus, having joined crusade, and having been attached to my dear who is in crusade too, i really feel quite obliged many times. There's no offense to anyone or even to crusade here. I just want to let out my sentiments. You know, many people here on earth, have differing views about how a relationship should be. Some would feel that it shouldn't get too sticky and more common views would be there must be space for each couple. But there are some who feels that as a couple, they should do things together and that it's alright to be sticky. Dear and i belonged to the latter. Like i said, having been attached, both of us have realised how sticky and possessive we are. I thank God that we're alike cos that would save us a lot of disagreements and conflicts and aids understanding. We simply want to do things together, even if we're meeting our own friends..we wanna meet them together and get to know them together. Many people would feel disgusted with our stickiness, many would feel that it isn't the way. But we feel that if we're going to get married and spend eternity together, why shouldn't we be doing things together? Furthermore, God has given us each other just like how Adam is always with Eve! But, because not everyone agrees with us, it has become really difficult and painful for us. In crusade, there are many times when we got separated. Just like our last mission trip to Cambodia, the staff told us not to get sticky and made attempts to separate us..but i don't get it, cos i'm not neglecting the group...i still interact with them, but i'm just doing it together with dear. And i got so troubled, many times i broke down quietly in some hidden corner and cry to myself.

I was reminded time and time again about " Master, Mission, Mate"; meaning know your master first, followed by your mission here, followed by your mate. And your mate shouldn't influence your mission..cos it's from God. I agree with that, but somehow, i just feel that as a couple blessed from God, i should serve God together with dear and i want to. But sometimes, i keep thinking if it's what i want or what God wants. Yet i dont see why that isn't what God wants to. Hence, everything i do in crusade, i wanna do it with dear cos i wanna serve God with him. But i'm not given the opportunity to cos people don't agree. Like the upcoming closure event, dear has taken the role to lead the event but i wasn't asked to. Does that mean i'll be asked to lead for another event and dear won't get to do it with me? :( now, i'm troubled and unhappy to the extent that i feel obliged to go for events cos i'm an SM and i'm supposed to be responsible for my disciples' growth. sigh.

but i'm not saying that crusade is bad or wrong. cos I'm really thankful for the many warm and loving brothers and sisters in christ who are always there to encourage us. And it has given me many opportunities to grow too :)

Anyway today, i felt burdened because somehow, i'm confused. Can i serve God without dear happily? Has dear taken over God in my place? Have i been too dependent on him that i don't need God anymore? Honestly, these thoughts have been bombarding me and I don't know how to deal with it. But all i know is, i love God and i want to serve God with dear. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to do anything without him. I want to go out with my friends, together with him. But not all understands. Some feels that i don't love them anymore or worse, some feels that they are no longer important and i no longer need them. NO! it's not that! but we just want to do it together as one. Loving our friends together as one. I admit that we're sticky and i'm a possessive gf, but is it wrong?

sigh. headache acting up now.

it's really heart-wrenching.

especially when people dont understand

:(

i pray for wisdom from God...

teach me O Lord how to move on from here...how to get out of this pit.

tell me O Lord, what is the mission you have for me, here on earth...