what does it take to....grow up??

that was the question that i was asking myself the whole evening.
And boy, it was brain wrecking

i think most people start to really grow up and mature when they're 16?
But, for me, even though i'm 21 this year, i think i've yet to really grow up.
It didn't really bother me all these while. I mean, i hardly ever reflect upon myself so i don't usually think about what a person i am. It was not only this afternoon when dear told me that it's time for me to grow up.

Actually, it was over some crusade issues...and i was afraid of rejecting them time and time again. I'm always thinking about what they think of me, and felt bad of trying to come up with excuses to reject them. I think i was really being a nuisance this afternoon, over the phone with dear.. being very persistent with what i want (yet still asking him what he wants...and then trying to push my way through to get what i want) and i was whining until he started to raise his voice at me. Well...it took us quite a while fpr me to get his msg into my head. You're right dear, this's not the first time u're telling me, but i always turn a deaf ear and take what you said easily. And thus, we end up going through the same cycle over and over again and thus, making u feel so tired. Then, i realised...that perhaps only by scolding me will i really wake up and let your msg enter my tiny brain. At that point in time, i could only think of "why are u scolding me..." and then sulk and whine. It was not until you told me that it really hurts you when u scold me. You told me that you had no choice but to raise your voice at me... cos that's the only way to bring your msg through because u've already tried the soft way many times. But i was too stubborn headed.

(nah, don't worry. we're not into some fight or smth hahaha. guess we're stable enough to look past all that :P )

After that big hoo-ha conversation, we put down the phone with dear asking me to reflect upon myself. So, i literally switched off my room light, jump into my bed, pull my blankets over my head, and reflect with eyes wide opened and silence surrounding me. And i kept questioning myself...

"What does it mean to be a grown up?"
"Why am i always fearing men, and making decisions that oblige people...and not making decisions that i really want? why am i always afraid of turning crusade down?"
"why do i always think that i'm making excuses to reject crusade when they're actually valid reasons.. afterall, we've never lied to them."
"why is it that when dear's sick, i still get so peristent with wanting him to go for crusade trainings..why didn't i consider him? why can't i just reject crusade and then stay at home to take care of him? why do i think it as an invalid excuse?"
"the bible says that women are to be submissive. what does it REALLY mean to be submissive? and why am i always so UN-submissive?"
"do i fear men because i'm afraid of how people judge and think of me, and therefore i try not to reject them..so as to gain favour in their eyes and not be labelled as a lousy, unholy, christian?"
"is this all part of growing up? to make wise, Godly decisions; to be mature and have a stand of my own; to not succumb to peer pressure and think of what pleases God and not what pleases men; and to be submissive as a woman as what the bible says?"

and i conclude...after all these questions and thoughts.
I'm REALLY IMMATURE.

Those questions, as i forced to ask myself....really pierced right through my heart. It hurts. It hurts to know how immature i've really been. You know, all through my life, i've been a worrier..and most of the time, i'm worrying about how people view me, about how people think of me, about whether people think badly of me, and whether i'm reflecting as a good christian. It's silly i know to worry over stupid issues. But that's how i've been and i'm really ashamed of myself as i blog this down. Yet, however disgusted i'm with myself, i still chose to blog it down because it's all part of my growth..and i'm sure there'll be people out there who have similar circumstances.

I think, now that i've come to accept my immaturity and shallowness, it's really important to embrace change and grow to become a better person. For me, learning to NOT be bothered about how people view me, but rather, fixing my eyes on Jesus and focusing on pleasing him would be a stepping stone to enter maturity. Another thing that i need to learn is to make wise decisions (amicably with dear..and not always trying to push my luck arnd) and serve God with joy and have no other intentions hovering (like wanting people to think i'm some holy angel..that's really a waste of energy and time. nobody really cares abt how good u are anyway. okay, i just need to scold myself to get it into my head...see, i'm not that nice a person afterall. sigh)

That aside, being submissive is the one big thing that's causing me and dear little hiccups these days. I haven't fully understood why Jesus wanted women to be submissive actually..and what does it really mean to submit? I mean, there has to be some boundaries right...and men needs to know that this doesn't mean they can abuse that 'authority' and order women arnd. So...i'm still in the process of learning (we all learn with time right) and i'm glad that there're opportunities to learn too cos dear's upcoming young adult retreat will be having talks about relationships in particular and they will adress this issue about 'submissiveness'. sounds good and applicable for me right. hahaha. maybe God wants to speak to me through YA retreat. so exciting! looking forward to hear that msg! meanwhile, please have patience with me dear...i know u always do :) and to end off...i've a few more sentences to say...

Growing up, is not easy. But it's a process that we all have to go through. Mine is just a little slower than everyone else's :) but it's not big deal... the most impt thing is to embrace it and not whine about how sad it is to grow up (which i often do until dear told me this... "if u don't grow up, u can't marry me..cos i'ld be deemed as a paedophile" that's funny haha!)

and also, thank you for scolding me today even though it did hurt me a lil. I know you meant it well and it hurts u even more to raise your voice at me and i also know, deep down, that u had to do it because of 1 reason...and that is, u love me :) i love you too honey...and nah, don't worry, i'm not afraid of you. huuggs :) dear, we have a long way to go...and as we go through our life journey tgt, we grow in love, in spirit, and in truth. God'll lead us..He always does. We already have so many testimonies to testify that love that He has given us. Let's treat all the little hiccups of ours as stepping stones to our lovely future ahead :)