when Satan strikes..

Believe there's a spiritual attack going on...cos of all times, it's resurfacing now. The same old issue that I've been trying to grapple for years. And it really hurts, it bites into my very heart. I've tried to voice it out, but I really feel hopeless at this stage. While I wish a choice could be made according to what I feel should be the way for the better of the future, I know it's tearing u apart and therefore, makes me in a fix. I very much feel like the bad person here, as I think I'm probably the cause of the entire mess. At times like this, it's really not difficult for me to just absorb the pain and continue life as it is..and just take it in. But then again, the pain accumulates and there's a threshold. I do feel that I'm reaching the treshold and I'm afraid what would happen when I've reached the burst pressure. It's a scary though and I feel desperate. You know, I really hate my heart. Hate it so much. I feel so lousy abt myself for kicking up a fuss, and making life difficult for u. The situation is diffiuclt + hurting u makes me all the more feel worse inside. I really want to retreat and take it all in, as how I used to be. But I really don't know if I could then display genuine happiness.

Need God's direction, really...especially when I feel Satan is currently planting all sorts of thoughts and emotions in me. Is this a test of our foundation, God? How do we make wise choices like the man who build his house on solid ground, and not fall into the trap of the foolish who sought the easy way by building his house on sand that topples? What would Jesus do in this situation?

My heart yearns for Your comfort and security, Father. Grant me thy peace.