Have not reached such a low in a long time, but perhaps its a reminder from God of how I've strayed.
Strayed in my thinking, in my ambition, in my outlooks and perspectives.

I'm just really hurt, disappointed, feeling cheated/lost, unsure...
Do I need to ask why?
I've thought about "why" and why consists of so many different things.
Could it be what i said, what i did, my nonchalance at times, my pride at times, choices i've made...
Might even be something i did not do.

Maybe i've listened too much to people, and failed to hear God.
I've made tough choices, but now, am living an even tougher moment.

I've watched many of my friends grow up in such confidence.
Score without qualms or fear, live without emotion, earn without limits...
Yet I still feel left behind in some way or the other.
I've lost many friends over the years... gained a few.
But, at this point in life, I'm left wondering what could have been, what might have been and what might be.

I am thankful that, yet, in all this haziness and sadness, that there are still bright lights.
Will one help me? I trust God. But even if it doesn't happen, I am still thankful for what I've been given.
For while I might be left behind, I turn around, and who might those people be.
I am still blessed.

But I am really hurt... and its really painful.
Wish I could just sleep for a week. Rest. Find that hope. Ease and bandage the pain.
Let it heal. I could cry. I'm sure I was crying inside today. For minutes, I sat still, shocked.
My mind stopped, my heart just melted into a pool of solid sad wax. But I didn't cry, though I should.
And maybe I found back a little of the soul within the shell. If only I could just let the rushing river flow out of me.

Despite the depression caused by my own statutes and folly....
Deep within, lies a little light, that is glowing.

God, grant me a way out. Please.